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Here Goes: The Funniest T-Shirts of 2002

by Bob Levey

Herewith, as promised, the long-awaited 2002 installment of a long-running best-seller. As reported by Levey readers far and wide, here are the funniest T-shirt sayings of the current summer.

"I'm Dressed and Out of Bed – What More Do You Want?" – Laraine K. Harford and Howie Kallem.

"If a Man Speaks in a Forest Where No Woman Can Hear, Is He Still Wrong?" – Andrea Shettle of Arlington.

"You're Just Jealous Because the Little Voices Are Talking to Me" – a reader named Angee.

"Feed Me Hors d'Ouevres and I Analyze Policy" – Phil Frankenfeld of Northwest Washington.

"Washington D.C. – So Many Monuments, So Little Time" – Phil Frankenfeld again.

"I'm Only Wearing Black Until They Make Something Darker" – several eagle-eyes.

"I Live in My Own World But It's OK – They Know Me Here" – Pat Ellerbee of Springfield.

"Be Nice to Your Children – They Choose Your Nursing Home" – Mark Rudy.

"...And You Say Psycho Like It's a Bad Thing" – Teri McCloskey.

"No Outfit Is Complete Without a Little Cat Fur" – Joan Patchett.

"Chaos, Panic, Disorder... My Work Here Is Done" – Andi Drimmer.

"I Hear Voices – And They Don't Like You" – Tom Roberts of Bowie.

"If Idiots Could Fly, This Place Would Be an Airport" – Kimberly Richer.

"On the Eighth Day, God Created Ohio" – Elaine Steib, who confesses to being a transplanted Buckeye.

"Life's Too Short to Dance With Ugly Women" – W.R. Sommers of Sterling.

"Dinner Is Ready When the Smoke Alarm Goes Off" – Brendan J. O'Byrne.

"My Husband Is a Great Lover – He Knows All My Erroneous Zones" – John O'Byrne of Dublin.

"Never Give the Devil a Ride – He'll Want to Drive" – Marge Killmon.

"Pray to God but Keep On Rowing Toward Shore" – Marge Killmon again.

"Diplomacy Is the Art of Saying 'Nice Doggie' Until You Can Find a Rock" – Jennifer Burrell.

"You Just Gave Me Something to Live for – Revenge!" – Jennifer Burrell again.

"Make It Idiot Proof, and Someone Will Make a Better Idiot" – Jennifer yet again.

"Don't Assume That I Cook" – across a sketch of a woman from the 1950s, with thanks to Marilyn Frankel.

FRONT: "When Henry Ford Saw My Sweetheart Wearing This Shirt, He Said..."
REAR: "Now There's a Model T!" – Len Greenberg.

"Good Girls Are Bad Girls That Never Get Caught" – Jennifer Phillips of Fairfax.

"You're a Naughty Boy – Go to My Room!" – Kevin Swiger, who saw it aboard "a shapely young woman."

ABOARD A WOMAN: "I'm the Mom. No Questions. No Arguments. We'll Just Do Things My Way."
ABOARD THE MAN WALKING BESIDE HER: "Listen to Your Mother" – Annette Dirks.

"Now I Know Why Some Animals Eat Their Young!" – K.J. Humphrey of Riverdale.

"Age and Treachery Will Always Beat Youth and Skill" – Steve Amato of Alexandria.

"I May Be Wrong" – Glen Farmer of San Francisco.

"God Made Only a Few Great Heads – On the Others, He Put Hair" - - Bob Noyer of Winchester, Va.

"I Have Twins – What's Your Excuse?" – Richard Rognile.

"Consciousness – That Annoying Time Between Naps" – Laura Dougherty.

"Foreign Service Officers Do It in More Places" – from an anonymous submitter, who saw it "near the State Department."

"Marriage Has Cured My Fear of Being Alone" – Lewis Lorton.

"Bomb Expert – If You See Me Running, Try to Keep Up!" – Ed Melisky, then about 30 fellow spotters.

"Drill 'Em, Fill 'Em, Bill 'Em" – seen aboard a dental student in Richmond by Joanne Yates.

"I Used Up All My Sick Days, So I Called in Dead" – Anne-Marie Lund Kagy.

"Support OPEC – Drive an SUV" – Paul G. Maiorana.

"I'm Not Shy – I'm Just Examining My Prey" – Dyan Loya of Silver Spring.

"You Non-Conformists Are All Alike" – Dyan Loya again.

"Albert Winestein – Drink a Few Glasses and Become a Genius" – J.G. Kramb, who saw it near Gettysburg, Pa.

"Repent – and Sin Some More" – Roy Iwaki of New York City.

"I Used to Have a Handle on Life, but It Broke" – Joan E. Runge of Columbia.

"Beauty Is in the Eye of the Beer Holder" – Joan Runge again.

"You Can Always Tell a Harvard Man – but You Can't Tell Him Much" – Carol Schwab of Silver Spring.

"Growing Old Is Mandatory – Growing Up Is Optional" – Vera Rausch of Rockville.

"My Job Is Secure – Nobody Wants It" – Skipper Oliver of Woodbridge.

"If All the World's a Stage, I Want Better Lighting" – Skipper Oliver again.

"When God Made Me, He Was Just Showing Off" – Elsie H. Clarke of Silver Spring.

To contact Bob Levey:
By mail: Bob Levey, The Washington Post, Washington, D.C. 20071.
By phone: 202-334-7276
By fax: 202-334-5150

By e-mail:

© 2002 Bob Levey (
This article is reproduced with the kind permission of the author.

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