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Another Batch: Funniest T-Shirts of 2002

by Bob Levey

Yes, more. The files are still groaning with funny T-shirt slogans that you readers submitted. Yesterday, we published a few of the funniest. Today, we publish another bumper crop.

"Doesn't Play Well With Others" – Ann Van Aken.

"Choose Your Sick Days Carefully" – The Monaghan family.

"Summer in Nags Head, Some Are Not" – Faith Holcombe.

ABOARD A BABY: "Party, My Crib, 2 a.m." – an e-mailer named DTynan1.

ABOARD A 3-YEAR-OLD: "My Mom Calls Me No! No! But My Grandma Calls Me Sweetie" – Ann D. Ketter.

ABOARD A VERY LARGE MAN: "Congratulate Me, I Used to Be Anorexic" – Wayne Alberts.

ABOARD MANY FOLKS IN ST. LOUIS, according to Adrian Cronauer: "Schlafley Beer – It's Not Just for Breakfast Any More."

ABOARD A MAN AT THE BEACH WHO WAS BALD: "I'm Too Sexy for My Hair, That's Why It Isn't There" – Todd Goren.

"I Get Enough Exercise Just Pushing My Luck" – Cyndy Hogan of Centreville, who pushed her luck by buying this one for her husband.

"Ran Into My Ex – Put It in Reverse and Hit Him Again!" – an e-mailer who reveals, helpfully, that she is divorced.

"Statistics Means Never Having to Say You're Certain" – Lori Curtis.

"Got Rid of the Kids, the Cat Was Allergic" – an e-mailer named Robin.

"Where Are We Going? Why Am I in This Handbasket?" – Vera Rausch of Rockville.

"I Am Not a Pack Rat – I Am a Collector" – Valerie Montanez of New York City, who admits that she's both.

"I'm So Great I'm Jealous of Myself" – Joan E. Runge of Columbia.

"I've Been on So Many Blind Dates That I Should Get a Free Dog" – Joan Runge again.

"Due to Budget Cuts, the Light at the End of the Tunnel Has Been Cut Off" – Mary-Catherine Calvert of Northwest Washington.

"I Wish the Buck Stopped Here – I Could Use a Few" – Mary-Catherine Calvert again.

"Where There's a Will, I Want to Be in It" – Fernando Rivas of Fairfax.

"Yes, Dear" – Charles Roberson of Oakton, who says he bought one for himself before his wife could do it.

"This Is Not the Life I Ordered" – Becky Smith of Alexandria.

"Clinton/Gore 2004" – Deborah DeBlaine.

"Beer Is Proof That God Loves Us and Wants Us to Be Happy" – Phil Marciola of Elizabeth, N.J.

"I Am the Only Hell That My Mother Ever Raised" – Jesse Howard of Southeast Washington.

"My Wild Oats Have Turned to Oat Bran" – Richard Smith of Springfield.

"Out of My Mind – Will Be Back Shortly" – Richard Smith again.

"How Long a Minute Is Depends on Which Side of the Bathroom Door You're On" – Jenny McCarthy of Northwest Washington.

"If You Can't Speak Softly, Just Use the Stick" – Bill Bertell of Northwest Washington.

"I Married Mr. Right, But I Didn't Know His First Name Was Always" – Ann Murphy of Burke.

"Alimony: A System Whereby Two People Make a Mistake and One of Them Continues to Pay for It" – Paul Jones of Baltimore, who notes that he has no ex-wives.

"Waiting For Mr. Right" – Pam Leary of Falls Church, who says the shirt gets a lot funnier when you realize that the figure on the front of it is a skeleton.

"What Part of Eelymosynary Ratiocination Do You Not Understand?" – Day Walters of Northwest Washington.

"Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart" – Marion F. Giaimo of Arlington.

"Shin: A Device for Finding Furniture in the Dark" – Anonymous.

"I'm Not Cynical – Just Experienced" – Anonymous again.

"Today Was a Total Waste of Makeup" – Christa Himmelmann.

"Do You Want to Talk to the Man in Charge, or to the Woman Who Knows What's Going On?" – Christa Himmelmann again.

"Stop Following Me – I'm Not a Shoplifter" – Jennifer Meyer.

"I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian" – Elizabeth Harvey.

"You Have the Right to Remain Silent, So Please Shut Up!" – Roy Dickstein.

"Either Find the Time for Exercise or Find the Time to Be Sick" – Sydney Ann Barr of Dunkirk, Md.

"Unproductive People Revolve Around the Earth at the Same Speed as Productive People" – Kendra Riggs.

"I Know About Stressed – It's Desserts Spelled Backwards" – Reginald B. Greenson.

"Going Downhill Is Uphill Work" – Parker Mills of Charlottesville.

"I'd Kill for a Nobel Peace Prize" – Bronwyn Lance Chester of Norfolk.

"What's the Difference Between In-Laws and Outlaws? Outlaws Are Wanted" – Anonymous voice mailer.

"I Have the Body of a God. Unfortunately the God Is Buddha" – Nora Keating.

"Shut Up and Paddle" – Mary Bailey of Silver Spring, who saw it aboard a camper at Camp UniStar in Cass Lake, Minn.

To contact Bob Levey:
By mail: Bob Levey, The Washington Post, Washington, D.C. 20071.
By phone: 202-334-7276
By fax: 202-334-5150
By e-mail:

© 2002 Bob Levey (
This article is reproduced with the kind permission of the author.

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