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A Gallery of Funniest T-Shirts of 1999

by Bob Levey

None of that lazy, hazy, crazy stuff. Summer is the season of clever T-shirts, as we prove each year here in Leveyland. Today, the Best T-Shirts of Summer 1999, as submitted by you readers.

(Around a picture of dandelions): I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won.

So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me – spotted by Dick Smith, of Springfield.

I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy – Maynard and Nancy Timme, of Ocean City, Md.

God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends – Cheryl Hillebrand, of Leesburg.

If They Don't Have Chocolate in Heaven, I Ain't Going.

At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just Can't Remember It All – Mary Weeks, of Arlington.

My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips – spotted in Provincetown, Mass., by Rita Shapiro.

I Just Do What the Voices Inside My Head Tell Me to Do.

(Picture of an open Bible on the front of the shirt, this on the back): When All Else Fails, Read the Directions.

(Worn by a pregnant woman): A Man Did This to Me, Oprah – Ben Llewellyn, of Falls Church.

(Spotted at a gay pride parade): My Son Just Came Out of the Closet and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt.

Thirteenth Amendment: Thou Shalt Not Whine – Sarah Sullivan, of Germantown.

(Spotted on Cape Cod by several readers): If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?

Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount – Virginia Galvin, of College Park. – submitted by a "family of geeks."

Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog – Marge Killmon.

No, It Doesn't Hurt – aboard a "well-tattooed gentleman" spotted at a club in Northwest Washington by Sean Sedam, of Olney.

If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off – Dick Smith again, who spotted it aboard a passing motorcyclist.

I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now – Carol Byrd, relayed by Cathy Smith Caviness.

If I Had Known Being a Grandparent Was So Much Fun, I Would Have Done It First! – Dr. Mark A. Spikell, of George Mason University in Fairfax.

(Over the outline of the state of Minnesota): My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor – Bob Greene, of Silver Spring.

I Speak Fluent Patriarchy, but It's Not My Mother Tongue – Sadia Carone.

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping – Jennifer Glatt, of Laguna Niguel, Calif.

What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About? – Catherine Jamieson.

I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian – Elizabeth Harvey, who's a vegetarian.

(On the front): Yale Is Just One Big Party. (On the back): With a $25,000 Cover Charge – Sarah Phillips.

Coffee, Chocolate, Men... Some Things Are Just Better Rich – Steve Aune.

Liberal Arts Major... Will Think for Food – Mike Irwin, of Fairfax.

Growing Old Is Inevitable; Growing Up Is Optional – Dave Yehudah.

Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen – Claire Underwood.

IRS – Be Audit You Can Be – Susan Bohnenblust, of Montgomery Village.

Gravity... It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen – Kennette Glassford, of Fredericksburg, Va.

First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed – Rita T. Minsky, of Potomac, who bought it for her husband for Father's Day.

The Old Pro... Often Wrong... Never in Doubt – Frank D'Aquila, of Falls Church, who says it's worn by a friend who's 84.

In Dog Years, I'm Dead – George Farley, of Front Royal, Va.

And finally, a treasure trove from Bernard Yabroff, of Bethesda:

Love May Be Blind, but Marriage Is a Real Eye-Opener.

If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You.

The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard.

Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade.

It's Hard to Be Nostalgic When You Can't Remember Anything.

Dinner Is Ready When the Smoke Alarm Goes Off.

Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.

I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes.

Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well.

A Day Without Sunshine Is Like Night.

A City Is a Large Community Where People Are Lonesome Together.

First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

Old Age Comes at a Bad Time.

In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.

© 1999 Bob Levey (
This article is reproduced with the kind permission of the author.

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