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Voila! The Funniest T-Shirts of 2000

by Bob Levey

The world has been waiting with bated breath, but now it may exhale (and giggle). Here's this year's version of an annual favorite: The Funniest T-Shirts of 2000, as submitted by Levey readers far and wide.

(Aboard a person with a serious beer belly) Objects Under This T-Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear.

I Am a Bomb Technician; If You See Me Running, You Should Keep Up – Amy Glass, of Columbia.

No, I Don't Eat Meat; Yes, I Get Enough Protein; No, My Shoes Aren't Leather; Yes, I Have a Life – Andrea Shettle, who is (as you might suspect) a vegetarian.

For Every Action, There Is an Equal and Opposite Government Program – "A Veteran Washingtonian."

Give a Man a Fish, and He'll Eat for a Day. Teach a Man to Fish, and He'll Sit Around and Drink Beer All Day – Michael Hankamer.

You Know You're Getting Older When Happy Hour Is a Nap! – Susan Ulanowsky, of Purcellville.

Husbands Are Like Pickup Trucks; If They Don't Wanna Work, I Get Rid of 'Em – Tony Glaros, of Laurel.

To Err Is Human; To Forgive Is Not Library Policy – Sheila McGarr, of Alexandria, who got the shirt as a gift when she left her job in the library at Mary Washington College.

Formula for Success: 1) Work Hard; 2) Dress Right; 3) Win the Lottery – Syd Barr, of Dunkirk.

Your Village Called; Their Idiot Is Missing – Colleen Klosterman.

Started Out with Nothing and Still Have Most of It Left – Melanie Webb, of Alexandria.

I Saw That – God – Andrea DeGirolamo.

Life Is Too Short to Smoke Cheap Cigars – Ellen Todres.

Money Isn't Everything, But It Keeps the Kids in Touch – Terry Bruening, of Rockville.

No, I'm Not on Steroids, But Thanks for Asking – Laurel Rupprecht, who saw it aboard a young man at a Montgomery County swim meet.

Recovering Trailer Trash – Edward J. Woodland, of Southeast Washington.

I Plan to Go to Heaven, So Why Do I Find Myself in a Handbasket? – Anonymous.

If Going to Church Makes You a Christian, Does Going to a Garage Make You a Car? – Pierce Bates, of Reston.

Please Don't Tell My Mother I'm a Lobbyist; She Thinks I'm a Piano Player in a $#%#& House – Kris Ardizzone, of Alexandria, who reports that it was a very hot item at a lobbyists' convention last year.

I Don't Suffer From Insanity; I Enjoy Every Minute of It – Bill Walter, of New York City.

Husbands May Come and Go, But Girlfriends Are Forever – Mary Lou Scarbrough, of Haymarket, who wore it during a 1997 ladies-only trip to the beach.

Nice Perfume; Must You Marinate In It? – Jennifer Wurzbacher.

So Many Men, So Little Point – Anonymous.

If All the World's a Stage and All the Men and Women Merely Players, Where Do Audiences Come From? – Deb Johnson, of Springfield, who reports that it was a smash hit among parent boosters of the Thomas Jefferson High School Shakespeare Troupe.

Beer; Helping Ugly People Have Sex Since 1869 – Doug Williams, of Alexandria.

(Aboard an extremely tall person at Ocean City) No; Do You Play Miniature Golf? – Joel L. Cohen, of Silver Spring.

I Hate Golf, I Hate Golf, I Hate Golf, NICE SHOT, I Love Golf... – Stephanie Nilan.

Nobody Knows I'm Elvis – Jennifer Bate, of Silver Spring, who saw it at the Smithsonian Institution (haven't you always suspected that Elvis lives there?).

Old Fishermen Never Die; They Just Smell That Way – Marjorie Flannagan, of Gainesville.

I Want to Be a Millionaire (That's My Final Answer) – Jo Bales, of Falls Church.

Keep Your Distance; I Chew Red Man – John Cash, of Annandale.

I'd Rather Be Sad in a Rolls-Royce Than Happy on a Bicycle – Mickey Gordon, of Fort Defiance, Va.

I'm So Broke, If You Rob Me, It'll Be for Practice – Kevin B. Wharton, of Chevy Chase.

Clones Are People Two – Dick Smith.

I'm Not Short; I'm Altitudinally Challenged – Erlinda C. Mangalas, of Clifton.

Since I Gave Up Hope, I Feel Much Better – Ginny Sells, of Severna Park.

If It's a Formal Wedding, I Know Where to Borrow a White Shotgun – Bruce H. Burnside, of Rockville.

Warning: Retiree; Knows It All and Has Plenty of Time to Tell You About It! – Frances R. Sellers, of Arlington.

I Just Got Lost in Thought; It Was Unfamiliar Territory – Joan E. Runge, of Beltsville.

Actually, I Am a Rocket Scientist! – Dolores Peters, of Silver Spring, who saw it on a bicyclist in the vicinity of NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt.

If Stress Burned Calories, I'd Be a Size 5 – Janet Phillips, of Springfield.

Those Who Live by the Sword Get Shot by Those Who Don't – a reader in Northern Virginia.

You Have the Right to Remain Silent; Anything You Say Will Be Misquoted, Then Used Against You – "a fellow sufferer in the newspaper business," who reports that it broke all sales records at a recent scribes convention.

Tomorrow: More of the same.

© 2000 Bob Levey (
This article is reproduced with the kind permission of the author.

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